August 19, 2019
We had a fantastic 6 year anniversary weekend. On Saturday we worked out, sat in the sun on the terrace, went for a sushi dinner and then watched Svengoolie at night. Yesterday we spent some time at the beach and then dealt with our storage upstairs, haha, very romantic I know, but it felt perfect. Can’t believe it’s been 6 years already though. It means it’s almost 8 years since I came back to NYC and started dating Jim after a summer in Sweden and almost moving to Austria. Time really is flying by in front of our eyes.
How you like my blue light glasses? 🙂
Anyway, I thought I had posted an update on my PMP story here, but I guess I only posted on instagram (@fannysura). So, I told you that I did a 72 hour water fasting in hopes that it would reset my blood cells. My level went down only one number after that, but I thought that maybe it takes awhile for my body to react to the fasting. The following week I went for my first acupuncture hoping that will speed things up as well. On Wednesday I was so nervous for the call from my doctor. I had such a good feeling about it all week and somehow expected great news. Well…my level went back up one number again. Since it was just one number and my level seems to fluctuate my doctor didn’t want to worry about it yet. So tomorrow I have another weekly blood test. Hearing that my level went up crushed me. That means that my brutal 3 day fasting didn’t work, and it also means that there is really nothing I can do about this.
My dear friend messaged me then and said that the hardest thing can be to do nothing and just surrender. I thought I “tried” that before (as in one of the things I’ve tried to fix this), like in May when I had no choice but to get chemo, but now it really hit me. To surrender makes sense to me now, it probably didn’t before. I’m the kind of person who wants to fix everything on my own, but it clearly doesn’t work in this case, so I have to give in, let it sort itself out and just trust that it will be ok. Damn, that is hard to do, but I really feel it now, I’m not giving up, I just have to surrender. I spent a few hours at her place on Friday and I thanked her for those words.
I have an appointment with the acupuncturist later today, I will continue with that cause even if it won’t help my PMP story, it can at least do other wonders in my body and mind. And then I will just focus on myself and other things, bury the whole baby thing deep in the dirt and we’ll see if we dig it up in the future. It hurts to say that but it seems like that’s what I’m supposed to do now. There’s nothing I can do about it now anyway. And to make that decision feels like a giant rock fell off my chest. It left scars but I know they can heal.
